Psychopathic Love: A necessary EVIL

“would you leap with me?” he asked while staring at me intently… I wasn’t sure what to say as I had been here before… On this ledge, staring over… Uncertain…

Conflicting emotions of love and fear overcame me… With his hand on my back both gently and firm… I wondered would he push me over… He could do so… Very easily, with just three words…

As he opened his mouth to speak to me… To tell me… I knew what he would say…

This would be the end… and the beginning…

“I LOVE YOU”…

The unsaid had now been said… Felt… But never having slipped from his lips… Until now…

His hands now going from my middle back to my shoulder… firmly turning me around… Facing him… “I love you too”… and I do… Waiting for the moment to say what I just thought… “I do”… Do you? or… Is it just love… like you love playing ball… Like you love fishing… Like you love alfredo… Or… Are you IN Love?… I wondered as I stared at him in his eyes.

Please don’t kill me… Don’t hurt me… No, heal me… feel me… Love me… Like you’ve never loved anyone in your whole life…

As he got on one knee… Would you be my wife?…

He wouldn’t allow me to open my mouth with a response before he took out a knife… Running it across his hand before opening my clutched palm and doing the same to mine… Tightly twisting my hand as the blood dripped from my hand to his… Then placing his same wounded hand across his heart.

Faint as blood continued to pour from my hand… He used both hands and with immense force he pushed me… backwards I fell… for what felt like forever… With no ability to turn back…

Arms stretched out toward him as he also leaped after me… Falling…

We were bonded… We were in love… We were happy… Yet there was the fear of… For how long?…Forever was the destination; but most, failed to make it… Both of us competitive… Wanting to win… Realizing that we would never let this die… This love… That we would both fight… Fight for one another and the bond that we formed.

In this knowing, I found comfort… That we would fight… To preserve this love…

As I continued to fall, his voice echoed “I love you” in my thoughts as peace fell over me… Falling… Happily… Falling into a space where fear could not exist… only LOVE.

I opened my eyes… “I said, will you take this leap with me?” He stated before getting on one knee… Frozen, I could not move… Yes!… Yes!, of course, YES!! I screamed in my mind… Yet, my mouth would not move… Heart pounding, palms sweating… Thinking about what was to come… Not knowing, but wanting to hypothesis a happy ending… One made from the same substance as fairy tales… Always having believed that fairy tales can be real… That true love can transform anyone… Can change lives… Can be healing…

Still frozen… “Babe” he questioned and stated as he waited a response… He had pushed me over… At first standing on a hill staring out at the most beautiful view… Our future waiting on the other side of the horizon…

My heart… Swollen from love, happiness and content… “Yes” I whispered… “What babe?”… “Yes”…. “Yesssssss” as tears dropped from my eyes.

Tears of joy… pain… happiness… Happy that he found me worthy of his love… Joy that we would share this life together… Happy… Then pain…

Pain creeping in from the not knowing… The not knowing what will happen… The not knowing if it would ever end… My fault… His fault… Our fault… No longer fighting the good fight and allowing life to win… circumstances to win…

Telling myself that this will NEVER happen, despite a small flicker of doubt. Realizing that if it didn’t work out, it would be the end of me… Temporarily dying and then re-emerging into someone else… Slightly similar to who I was before, but not quite.

I had fallen… In love… Yet before hitting rock bottom I was caught by the security of what we were building and held afloat. There was still nothing there to prevent me from smacking the ground except the security and trust that this union was based on… If that were to deteriorate it would no longer hold me up… No longer keep me in that space of bliss… Of love.

No diagnosis of mental health… Yet I realized that love induced psychosis. A term meaning “Thought and emotions which are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

This was us… This was love…

As I lay on a cloud and stare up at the nighttime sky… A cloud that in reality was my bed and the sky being the ceiling in my bedroom… Everything seemed more beautiful and more grandiose as a result of this affliction… This… LOVE.

I pictured the Joker and Harley Quinn, I pictured Bonnie and Clyde… Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. I pictured love that was both dangerous and beautiful. That was worth living for… Dying for… and this… Was us.

Through time the heightened affection and need became obsession. The need to have more of one another and less of reality… The need to hide away from the world, into our own space.

This obsession for one another that was once bliss… irritated a possessive nature in both of us. Jealousy and annoyed thoughts of others who we felt could pose a threat to our union… Blaming one another for the perceived intrusion of others that slowly served as a wedge… Casting us farther and farther apart.

The thin line between love and hate… The veil that covered our eyes that could not be removed. The nagging feeling that we could not escape as we approached an end… Our end.

Humiliation as I felt that I should have seen it coming. Wondering how I could have been so blind… Realizing that we both were … Blind… Deer in headlights… Car fast approaching and unable to move… Admiring the beauty of the lights… Not fearing what was to come, although inevitable.

Recalling moments of feeling at ease, at peace… In love… Resentment as it felt brief before the surge of emotions that were not calm… The greatest love stories, I recalled were birth from not just a place of calm, but a place of fire. Igniting something inside and leaving you changed.

Eyes seeing red… Blood red at the thought of another touching, holding and kissing you… Thoughts of a honorable kill… Then a prayer, to the one who unknowingly intruded on what was mine… Insane… Uncontrollable thoughts… From a person who once was sane…

Psychotic… Love…

Isn’t it amazing that when love ends… Your heart sometimes “literally” feels broken… Beyond repair… It seems hard for people to understand your pain… Even if they had once loved… It wasn’t your love… It wasn’t this love… And so, they couldn’t understand… Not the extent of your anguish… Although, they may want to.

Then after heightened words… Curses… The attempt to understand your pain and for you to understand mine… The wanting to be on the same page… Saying the same thing but not understanding clearly what is being said…

Finding a common ground amongst the fear… Joining back together in a relationship… a cup, once broken and now mended… The cracks still in the frame which could easily cause for it to break again…

Praying that we could prevent from throwing stones… We would not be able to get a new cup… This was our cup… Sometimes half empty, sometimes half full… Sometimes overflowing.

This was our love story… This is every love story… psychotic…

LOVE…

Published by Lee's Mirror

Author of the Urban Garden series (If you enjoy romantic thrills, YA and magical realism) You will love my first book. You can find the link below to some platforms that it is posted to. I am growing as a new author and would appreciate any honest feedback in regards to your thoughts on my book. So far I have received all Five stars from the many readers who have taken the time to read my book and enjoy the positive feedback regarding how my book changed their perspective and kept them reading page after page with no desire to put my book down. I hope you will share in this experience and I hope to hear from you soon.

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